Featured

REDWING

 

 

blog photo 99 Red wing 2WHAT IT IS

In a small motel a few miles off Highway 61 Wagner and Lehman sat outside their crummy little room watching the redwings snap up insects in the Louisiana dusk. Wagner was sipping a Sazerac and playing with his cigar when Lehman jumped up off his stiff plastic chair, pointing across the road. Someone was watching them!

A few will placed billboards and road signs was all the cover twelve state troopers needed to pounce on the unsuspecting pair. Wagner shrugged off Lehman’s paranoia, deciding instead on another Sazerac. Just as he was pushing the motel door open, a black Chevy van peeled into the parking lot burning  rubber off the nearly bald tires. A pale dishevelled Tiny LeBlanc yelled at them to get in and within seconds the trio was gone.

WHAT IT IS NOT

Among the many oddities surrounding the kidnapping of Cricket and Sapphire, none more interested Cinder Willoughby than what happened back in Wanapitei. A note written on the side of Slim Clemons’ motorhome somehow led Davy Doucet to form a search party to a nearby railyard where evidence suggested the kidnapped pair may be in Beaver County, Pennsylvania.

Well…Willoughby got his answer from Doucet as the makeshift search headquarters was disbanded. It seems some months ago Doucet was strolling along a rail line near Amherst, Nova Scotia and as he walked the line through a swampy area,  a throng of red winged black birds took to the skies after being disturbed by Dizzy and Bella Barnhart monotonously repeating the motorhome message as they walked along the railroad tracks.

 

 

 

CHIVE

 

 

 

 

 

blog photo 108 ChiveWHAT IT IS

It’s a bit of a gag, but every second week Justine Flagstaff gives her editor a chive flower as a way of thanking her for accepting Flagstaff’s idea of writing a serial article about the whole Cricket/Sapphire affair. In her latest piece she describes how Tiny LeBlanc was extorted by Melina Schulz and aided by Lehmann and Wagner in the murder of a retired Nova Scotia civil servant near Willis Mountain, Ontario. Based on this article and evidence provided by Davey Doucet, arrest warrants have been issued for all four individuals, but they are, as the saying goes, in the wind.

WHAT IT IS NOT

Mark Malloch works for Pratt and Whitney and is considered the finest booster rocket scientist on the payroll. Laying in his hospital bed he looks very much like any other dude on the planet. When Malloch finally regained consciousness, his room was full…like totally full…of flowers, elaborate floral arrangements featuring buildings, rockets, the solar system, the moon, teddy bears, stuffed cats and dogs, the milky way… oh man it was impressive! On the table beside him was a small card and a miniscule bottle of “Out of this World” perfume. Next to the bottle a single chive flower, he reached for the card and read:

Roses are red, Violets are blue

                                                  Keep it up Buster and you’ll be blue too!

He read it again, then again…reached for perfume bottle, took a sniff then lapsed into a coma. Doctors and nurses rushed into Malloch’s room, one nurse noticing the teddy bears gone from the floral displays.

                                                 

 

 

RABBIT

 

 

 

 

 

blog photo 107 RabbitWHAT IT IS

Mutt Jefferson was hauling a load of lobster pots from the South Shore of Nova Scotia to St. John’s Newfoundland all the while keeping an eye out for Dizzy and Bella as he had promised Frank James he would do. He was making good time, but all this changed as he approached Big Pond on Hwy. 4. Mutt was descending a sizeable hill with a tight curve when a straight job approached, over hugging the center line. Mutt could see the driver looking at his lap, not paying attention and veering more and more into his lane. Mutt knew what to do, hit the brakes, hold the wheel steady and stay upright on the tarmac.

It could have been much worse. Mutt kissed the passenger side rear bumper causing the truck to spin a few degrees and slid backwards down the road’s steep embankment. The truck’s box, a wooden and canvas configuration, disintegrated on impact and hundreds of rabbits were set free to roam all over the ditch, the forest, the roadway.

Mutt and the two men from the other truck sat in the back of the RCMP cruiser sorting out documents, insurance and other papers required by the police. It turned out the ditched truck was driven by INSECT agents Jones and Brown and leased to Monsanto. Permits to remove wild rabbits from Cape Breton Island did not seem forth coming.

WHAT IT IS NOT

Margaret Brookside believed the regime change at Beaver Falls would put her out of work, so she used up her remaining vacation days and went to visit her old friend Drake Johnson who now lived on the beautiful Temagami River.

It was a most auspicious visit, as Johnson was feeling poorly. He told Margaret of hearing strange voices on the river at night, and after he went to investigate, found himself confused and lethargic. After nursing Johnson back to health, Margaret decided she was up for a little adventure and would finish what Johnson started.

She was told to paddle to Devil’s Mountain, take the first east-west portage and wait for a rabbit to escort her to the Devil’s Gorge. Johnson never got past the Gorge, so Margaret would be on her own. Indeed, a rabbit did show up and the two of them traipsed through the bush for several hours until coming upon a congregation of a hundred women and at least as many teddy bears.

Not wanting to get too close, Margaret strained to hear what was going on. The chatter seemed to be about all manner of things: environmental protection, teddy bear rights, insect subjugation, space tourism, human malfeasance, animal behavior…but everyone went deadly silent when Miles Hobbson emerged from the nearby forest.

THE AIRPLANE

blog photo 106 Airplane

 

WHAT IT IS

Samantha Gallant loves to fly. Over the years she has found various ways to not only get in the air, but to make a suitable living from her passion. One of the many tasks she takes on is to deliver planes all over North America to wealthy people who buy them. On her last delivery she started thinking of the strange and wonderful things she sees from above: two horses and riders swimming from PEI to Cape Breton Island with what looked like a fairy leading the way, a restaurateur and his patrons harassed by insects as they dined on a suspended platform, teddy bears swinging through the forest, chipmunks high-fiving one another on a forest ridge, a man diving off a ferry crossing the Delaware…she couldn’t help but wonder what she might see next.

WHAT IT IS NOT

McCormik and James watched as Dizzy and Bella became tiny dots on the horizon, disappearing entirely. No amount of yelling or big gestures from the beach was going to bring them back to the shore. McCormik knew some fishermen close by, so they got back into the truck hoping a fishing boat might be what they needed to find the women. A boat out of Souris scoured the area to no avail. James even hired a plane to search the area between PEI and Cape Breton but Dizzy and Bella were never spotted, although another pilot in the area at the time reported seeing two horses, two women and a fairy going ashore near Inverness on Cape Breton Island.

THE HUMMINGBIRD

 

blog photo 105 Hummingbird.JPG

WHAT IT IS

It takes more than fascist-type hate to become an INSECT agent. Prospective individuals must demonstrate a deep cruelty toward arthropods, the ability to maim, torture and kill and a willingness to travel the globe to eradicate these creatures. INSECT’s shiniest examples of these attributes is senior field agents Graham and Smith.

The happy little world of these two has recently been shaken with a series of missteps, disasters and foibles of various kinds. As their reputations began to suffer, Graham came up with the idea of training a hummingbird to act as a mercenary to mingle with the insects and report back to them. The experiment is in its early stages, results pending.

WHAT IT IS NOT

Sofia Zuniga spent the early morning hours sitting quiet and alone in her flower garden, hoping to see a hummingbird feeding on the orange honeysuckle flowers. More often than not a female would show up, sometimes with her offspring, sometimes not.

On one such morning, the peaceful garden was disturbed by loud chatter and a boisterous voice echoing from the near-by forest. Stacks McDonald, the internationally renowned geologist from Cobalt Ontario, was bounding toward the garden with three chipmunks on his shoulders. The four-some were celebrating another exciting mineral deposit they just discovered, south of the Range. The new deposit, called the Three Chipmunk Ridge, would prove to the most valuable in recent memory.

 

FIELD&HOUSE

 

0B2A4021AAWHAT IT IS

The last person to leave Beaver County probably was Davey Doucet because his investigative curiosity was heightened when he saw Lehman and Wagner give something to Will Offley. Doucet was poking around a dilapidated house next to Will’s golden canola fields, trying to make sense of what he discovered about the pair.

Both men were former BKA agents in West Germany, starting their careers assigned to investigate the Badder-Meinhof Gang in the mid 1970’s. This fact seemed uninteresting to most but coupled with the stories Offley told about being an exchange student in West Germany in 1977, set Doucet investigator’s mouth drooling.

WHAT IT IS NOT

INSECT agents work in pairs: Graham and Smith/Jones and Brown/Johnson and Williams and so it goes. This trio of pairs had not worked together since the disastrous raid on Plot 82 and the failed assassination attempt on No.1. On this day they found themselves once again together working the case of the Diamond-back Moth Larvae.

Simply put, the insects love the taste of canola and INSECT headquarters received an urgent request for agents to fan out across Beaver County, Pennsylvania to assess the reported outbreak. Throughout the day agents trampled across canola fields finding a typical infestation, but nothing close to an outbreak.  During a late afternoon thunder- storm they took refuge in an abandoned farmhouse where the notetaker, Jones, prepared his report. The group covered over ten acres, no outbreak was eminent and the crops appeared healthy. In the margins of his notebook Jones mentioned coming across three boxes of Key limes rotting in a field.

EYE

 

blog photo 103 Horse eyeWHAT IT IS

Once the decision was made Frank James wasted no time; within a day his bags were packed, his leave secured and the family gathered at the airport wishing him good luck.

James was flying to Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island in Canada to call on veterinarian Basil McCormik who took the most recent photograph of Bella and Dizzy in the Lady Justice pose.

McCormik picked up James at 9 AM on a Tuesday morning with McCormik insisting they head straight away to Singing Sands beach where the horse that rescued him, and whom he believed belonged to Bella and Dizzy, was reported galloping along the water’s edge.

When they arrived at Singing Sands, the chestnut mare and a dark brown stallion with Bella and Dizzy on top, were bolting down the beach. They stopped mid-way along the beach, twirled on their hind legs then headed straight into the ocean, swimming in the general direction of Cape Breton Island.

WHAT IT IS NOT

He liked animals of all kinds but had a special fondness for horses; the intelligent face, the flowing mane, the powerful physique. Miles Hobbson walked up and down the stable admiring the inmates until the sound of the helicopter roared into the nearby paddock.

It was Hobbson’s first visit to Slim Clemons’ stable and he was anxious to see the man and get on with business. After pleasantries were exchanged, they got right to it with Hobbson handing over the Red Squirrel Scrolls, a map that came into his possession a few weeks ago. The map showed deposits of iron and uranium capable of producing high concentrations of Scandium not far from what is now known as the Three Chipmunk Range.

The deal between the two men was simple: if a verifiable deposit of the rare earth mineral was  attainable,  then Beaver Falls would be the recipient of the largest solar panel production facility in the United States.

THE LAKE

blog photo 102 Lake TomikoWHAT IT IS

When Buck-jimmy sits back in his swamp on Lake Tomiko he often thinks back to the days of that interesting trip from Chappell Hill Texas to Northern Ontario.  Mutt Jefferson pulled over in Beaver County, Pennsylvania for the night and Buck-jimmy hopped off the end of the trailer for a bit of sight seeing.

He came across a tunnel running beneath a railroad track and decided to hop on in for a quick look see. Hearing the constant chatter of what was most certainly a red squirrel, he came across the rodent spinning yarns to a host of local critters.

A story was being re-enacted about three chipmunks, nearly lost at sea on their way to Norway. Their vessel ship wreaked near Ellesmere Island, the munks were then found by a beautiful fairy from Easter Island who nursed them back to health. The fairy told the trio they would seek and find great treasures and would become famous around the world, but this fame would not last forever. As morning dawned, Buck-jimmy made his way out of the tunnel, wondering if these munks were real or just the musings of an overactive red squirrel imagination.

WHAT IT IS NOT

Many of Conservation Officer Micheals’ colleagues like to spend vacation time down in the big city, watching ball games, eating on concrete patios and taking in music concerts. Spending days in the bush swatting blackflies, slapping deer flies, battling horseflies and getting into fisticuffs with mosquitoes can lead a man or women to more gentler pursuits.

But not CO Micheals, his vacations are spent on Lake Tomiko where the fishing is unparalleled in Northern Ontario. After a long day on the water, Micheals heads to the local lodge for a few drinks and some good eats. That is where he saw them, sitting under a large white pine on a hot day with a cold beer. Micheals first heard the distinctive sound of a couple of Harleys. They pulled up to the lodge entrance and dismounted, the emblem THE CHAPS emblazoned across their jackets.

Micheals tried not to look directly at the men, fearing they might recognize him. He had seen them before, when they posed as Immigration Agents at the North Bay airport some months ago.