THE RESTAURANT

blog photo 51 perth.JPGWHAT IT IS

The Amtrak train nearly derailed as it approached Beaver Falls, but a quick-thinking engineer recognized the impending danger and brought the train to an abrupt halt. The inevitable stopover saw Cricket and Sapphire take a taxi to a riverside restaurant in the heart of the downtown.

While sipping on a Niagara Falls ice wine, they spotted a young man sauntering up to a streetlight pole and paste a document around its considerable girth. Interested, Cricket walked over to take a look and came back with the news that Miles Hobbson was in town and giving a talk that evening at the public library.

Cinder Willoughby felt a little bit like Dylan’s Mr. Jones as he peaked into the library’s auditorium. It was filling up quickly when Cricket and Sapphire accidentally brushed up against him. They recognized one another, having crossed paths before, and decided to sit together near the back of the hall.

Miles started his talk by recounting his encounters with alien life on Nevis, but his musings soon turned to more terrestrial subjects. He had a political and social platform he touted, and his popularity within the audience quickly grew. “If…IF we dodge the carbon bullet, human overpopulation will destroy the planet.” “Who is responsible for habitat loss around the world?” “Who causes massive islands of plastics in the oceans?” “Who is responsible for the toxic air and polluted lakes?” “Who partakes in hyper-consumerism then overflows our landfills?” His followers answered Hobbson with a resounding “WE DO…after each question. Spurred on by the audience, Hobbson spoke of pursuing  negative GDP instead of a positive GDP, of banning all cars (gas,electric, and hydrogen) from the inner cities. He advocated for smaller sewer and water systems to accommodate a smaller population. He pushed for local organic farms to feed the smaller populations and design neighbourhood solar and wind projects to produce electricity. The believers went wild when Hobbson stated the planet’s CARRYING CAPACITY was FINITE, and the idiots running the show better soon realize it.  After a standing ovation, Hobbson swore he would carry his message far and wide.

Cricket, Sapphire and Cinder were genuinely surprised at the enthusiasm the crowd showed toward Hobbson. They watched with perplexed interest as the converted audience rose again from their seats in response to Hobbson’s grand gestures. As the evening grew to a close, the trio slipped out a side door before the mass exodus began.

 

WHAT IT IS NOT

Graham and Smith spent copious amounts of time together and to relieve the tedium they often spoke to one another as if they were pirates. “Fetch me coffee. Matey!” One might say, “ I…it’s as hot as hades,” the other would reply. This banter could go on for hours.

Pirate talk was in full swing when Graham and Smith sat down for lunch at a downtown riverside restaurant in Beaver Falls. It all started innocently enough, a lone raven sat on a canopy and began a loud monotonous squawk. A blue jay chimed in, a bull frog had its say, and a snowy owl hooted from a perch nearby. Dragonflies, bumblebees and yellow jackets lay siege to the restaurant and within minutes customers were in a panic, heading for the streets away from the river. Like the others, Graham and Smith were exiting the establishment when Smith slipped on the hundreds of perch that had jumped from the river and were flopping around the restaurant’s deck. Graham quickly ran to Smith’s aid, they both went down hard and fell into the river. As fast as all this began, silence fell over the area, leaving Graham and Smith to survey the damage as they stood in waist high water.

 

 

 

 

ELLIE’S STORY CONTINUES

ellie in drag (2)

the choke off (2)

 

Slim Clemons was a generous man and his generosity was fully evident to the winner of the 2017 Miss Teddy Bear North America contest. The winner, Ellie from Northern Ontario, was showered in the latest fashions and jewellery, given the use of a stretch limo for a full year, an all-expense-paid two-week vacation in the French quarter of New Orleans, and all this was topped off with a four-year scholarship to the University of Indianapolis.

Ellie wasted no time.  Within a few days of her crowning,  she took the limo to the Mercantile Hotel in New Orleans. She sat on the luxurious bed pondering what to do first. Teddy bears have a tendency to pack on the weight, so they don’t actually eat; they just love the smell of food cooking. With that in mind, Ellie pictured the hotel’s kitchen in her mind’s eye and within a millisecond was sitting high on a stainless steel cupboard watching the frantic staff preparing evening supper. As Ellie took in the sights and sounds, capricious head chef Rene Boudreaux caught a glimpse of Ellie, roared a dozen choice cuss words, picked up a meat cleaver and hurled it in Ellie’s direction. It was coming in fast, spinning blade over handle, and destined to hit her right between the eyes. Ellie imagined herself walking into the House of Blues and instantly found herself strolling into the most famous bar in New Orleans.

Ellie got a few feet inside the bar when the house bouncer, Tiny LeBlanc, mumbling that no teddy bears were allowed inside, grabbed her by the throat and started to escort her outside. Before reaching the exit Tiny was stopped by two women demanding he get his grubby gloved hands off their friend…immediately. Tiny acquiesced and Ellie joined Samantha Gallant, Margaret Brookside, and six other women for a night of drinks and dancing.

FROG

 

blogphoto 50 the frogWHAT IT IS

After three world championship trophies, long distance frog jumper Buck-jimmy was ready for something a bit different. One Sunday morning he left his Chappell Hill swamp in Texas and stowed away on Mutt Jefferson’s rig bound for Northern Ontario. Buck-jimmy wanted to reach Lake Tomiko and see the constellations made of pebbles by a local artisan frog.

Buck-jimmy was happy he made the trip.  In addition to the constellations, the artisan frog had designed what appeared to be random dates – days/months/years – with pebbles he had gathered. Many people came to see these frog musings; including Miles Hobbson who soon realized these random dates were not random at all…but were dates when alien crafts landed on earth.

WHAT IT IS NOT

This is a typical well water cleaning frog found throughout the rural areas of Canada. In fact, this frog, more or less, belongs to Cricket and Sapphire and they lend this guy out to neighbours and friends throughout the Wanapitei area.

Some years ago, while on a trip to Lake Tomiko, Cricket stumbled across a long abandoned farmhouse with the cleanest well water imaginable. After a few moments, Cricket quickly realized the reason for this most excellent water. Cricket offered the frog a life of adventure…wells to conquer and clean. Mutual terms were agreed upon,  and the two headed out to Cricket’s Wanapitei’s home.

 

 

 

THE BEE

 

blog photo 49 bee & rose.JPGWHAT IT IS

A second incident of troubling insect behaviour has been documented in the San Francisco area. Frank James and a fellow researcher from the University of Missouri and their wives were just sitting down to dine at the Seven Hills restaurant on Hyde St., when hordes of bumble bees entered the establishment and started buzzing the patrons, paying particular attention to James and his colleague.

A local photographer, in the restaurant at the time, seemed to think the bees had no malicious intent and took this photo of what he thought was the bee leader. After five minutes of bee buzzing, the culprits were seen heading in the general direction of the Crissy Field Marsh.

WHAT IT IS NOT

INSECT agents Graham and Smith were recently dispatched to the Halifax Stanfield International Airport to capture bees that originated from London, England and had escaped before they were to be quarantined. Graham and Smith quickly realized these were wily bees, adept at eluding capture.

Several days passed with only the above pictured bee having been captured; and he seemingly volunteered himself into the waiting bee trap. Complex bee DNA analysis, carried out at their Northern Ontario compound, indicated this bee to be a direct descendant of the bees MI6 used in the 1970’s in covert communications experiments.

THE ROAD

blog photo 48 roadWHAT IT IS

From her hospital bed Melena Schulz explained how events unfolded on that beautiful, sunny day in July. She received a phone call at her Ontario office from a former colleague she worked with nearly twenty-five years ago at the Nova Scotia Department of Lands and Forests. The colleague insisted they meet the following day at a place called Willis Mountain, a few hours from her office.

Schulz was fast-driving her 2000 Mercedes Benz CLK-430 convertible when an undetermined number of hornets or wasps got inside the car and drove Schulz to such distraction that she left the road, flipped over six times and came to rest against a rock outcrop.

WHAT IT IS NOT

Sapphire and Cricket have an agreement that dictates they must get out on the backroads of their home province at least once a week during the short summer months. On one such trip to Willis Mountain, they came across a horrific car accident.

They immediately pulled over to lend assistance to an elderly man badly crushed into the driver’s seat. The man was delirious, falling in and out of consciousness.  At one point, he called Sapphire by the name Emma, and told her to destroy the Trichlorophenoxyacetic Acid. He then pointed a trembling index finger at Cricket, called him Bill, and ordered him to take Emma and fly away from here. He never regained consciousness and died before the ambulance arrived.

Cricket and Sapphire stayed at the accident scene for several hours. They both starred at the crumbled mini van, it’s rear bumper twisted and strewn twenty feet from the van, displaying a faded Nova Scotia flag, and the letters N.S.L.&F.D. Who was this man? How did he know their parents, Emma and Bill Bisson-Gallent.

THE GROUSE

 

 

 

 

 

blog photo 47 partridge.JPGWHAT IT IS

For many weeks Mildred Duck heard the rumors of a talented ruffed grouse living near Murdock Lake in the Woodland Caribou Provincial Park. Mildred was looking for a solo singer who could pull off a sensational version of ‘Singing in the Rain/Paddling on the Pond’.

On a wet spring morning, Mildred left her swamp near Grassy Narrows and started the one hundred kilometer trip to Murdock Lake. Mildred was not disappointed and after several hours of negotiations and guarantees of limitless blueberries, wild strawberries and baskets of rosehips, the duo merrily flew back to Grassy Narrows to begin rehearsals for the Littlest Gosling.

WHAT IT IS NOT

Mike Hobbson’s speaking engagements across North America were starting to gather an eclectic and somewhat fanatical following of individuals from all walks of life. In order to help facilitate his gruelling touring schedule, Hobbson tried to enlist the help of corporate sponsors to offset the expenses he was incurring.

He had met with many CEO’s of large corporations, but it wasn’t until a Sunday brunch meeting with the president of Partridge Farms that Hobbson found his kindred spirit and benefactor.

 

 

THE TWO DOGS

 

blog photo 46 jasper and chuckles

WHAT IT IS

Jasper and Chuckles did not let a small setback in the form of a layoff from Amtrak keep them from landing gainful employment elsewhere. Within a few months of the devastating news, the two amigos were on a Canadian Pacific train bound for the Sunshine Village ski resort to begin training as rescue dogs.

After a three week training course, the two were ready to hit the slopes. On their second day, a skier got outside a marked trail and was swept up in an avalanche. Fortunately for the skier, Jasper and Chuckles were stationed close by and they quickly sprung into action, digging feverously until they reached the skier. Search and rescue completed the recovery and an appreciative Cinder Willoughby was taken to hospital for observation.

WHAT IT IS NOT

During a heavy snowfall Mutt Jefferson was rolling along Dorchester Ave. south of Boston, Massachusetts when a fast moving Honda civic bolted across the intersection of Park and Dorchester and T-boned the middle of his trailer. The force of the collision tore off the roof of the car and left INSECT agents Graham and Smith bruised but not seriously hurt.

Pictured here are two members of the Boston Canine Unit who were on the scene quickly, having been on a stakeout nearby.